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Andrea Fender’s Resume

Andrea got her AA at eighteen, has built a house, lived off the grid, and run a successful massage practice for a decade. She will be graduating with a BS in Kinesiology in December of 2009, and plans to take over the world.

As far as massage goes, she takes a very anatomical, mechanical approach. Her extensive anatomical training, including cadaver study, has given her a fascination with the human body, and the real ability to alleviate pain by allowing the physical structures of the body room to do their job.

All of her jobs have involved direct contact with customers, including massage, bartending, barista-ing, secretary, maid, and, once, gardening for an illegal immigrant from Holland.

Andrea is very professional, having done most everything required to run a business. She’s also tremendously persuasive, having once convinced a police officer in the middle of the night that the dark clothes, tow hook, and the fact that she was in the middle of a used car lot didn’t mean she was trying to steal her own car. This despite her total lack of identification and the fact that said vehicle was registered in her father’s name.

Andrea loves science, people, and fixing ergonomic problems.

If you’ve received this resume, rest assured you’re just seconds away from a great employee. Really! Seconds! She may be lurking outside your door!

Or you could, you know, call.